As we come out of lockdown and more people are partially or fully vaccinated, the possibility of being able to hug other humans outside of our bubbles becomes more real.
How are you feeling about that? For some people, they can’t wait to hug all their friends and family again. Others are feeling more hesitant.
In this article I want to explore the relational dynamics we might face. This is not an article with medical advice and so please seek that advice and government advice as well.
In fact, there is your first step. Get informed. Sure, there is always more we could know and the picture keeps changing, but you can find out what is considered more or less risky.
What I want to cover with you is boundaries, consent and communication. These three tools will help you navigate these new social situations.
Boundaries
You need to know what it okay for you and what isn’t. You can start off with getting informed (see above) and then tune into how you feel about it all and what you need in order to feel at ease when meeting other people.
You may find that it depends on who you are going to meet. For example, you may feel that hugging your parents is okay, but hugging friends isn’t. Or that hugging someone who has been vaccinated or tested is okay, but not otherwise.
You may want to wear masks when you hug someone. Or limit the length of the hug to one ‘mississippi’.
Ultimately, you need to figure out what is okay for you so that you can be clear with others.
Consent
A hug requires two people so you both need to be on the same page about it. Pre-pandemic you probably had mapped out in your head all your different relationships and who were ‘huggers’ and who weren’t.
The pandemic has torn up those maps. Don’t assume that just because your brother loved hugs pre-pandemic that he is going to be comfortable with them now.
We need to re-draw our maps with the important people in our lives again.
The easiest thing to do is to simply ask. ‘Is it okay if I give you a hug?’
And don’t take it personally if the answer is ‘No’. The other person is simply sharing what is and what isn’t okay for them.
Similarly, if you don’t feel comfortable giving someone a hug, it’s your job to say so. You may feel more comfortable with an alternative, such as an elbow bump, in which case you can suggest that as a possible compromise.
Equally, if you want to keep your distance you could say something like ‘I am still practising social distancing.’
Communication
Other people aren’t mind readers. They don’t know what you think or feel or want unless you tell them.
Ideally, communicate in advance of meeting. This way you can get the discussion about hugging, masks, outdoors/indoors, etc out of the way and come to a mutually agreed way forward.
Do remember though that your own and others boundaries around when and who to hug may well change. You can change your mind, but don’t expect others to know that you have changed your mind without you telling them.
When you communicate a boundary, keep it short and simple. If you don’t want to hug someone, for example, you could simply say ‘A hug isn’t okay for me.’ There doesn’t need to be a long explanation or an apology.
And be prepared to follow through. If someone wants to hug everyone and wasn’t listening when you said you don’t want to hug, stand your ground. Back away and say ‘No, I don’t want a hug.’ And then carry on as normal.
This is a difficult time for many, with social anxiety being exacerbated by these additional health concerns. We all crave connection because we are social animals. By paying attention to our boundaries, consent and communication we can enjoy each others company whilst ensuring that everyone feels comfortable.
Thanks for reading. If you would like some professional 1:1 support with building healthy boundaries, confidence and relationships, let’s talk.
Please leave a comment below with your thoughts.