Ever been told that you are ‘too nice’? Or maybe you have noticed that you tend to be the giver in any relationship. Or you can’t disagree with anyone.
I am going to paint you a picture of what it is to be a ‘people pleaser’ by going through 12 indicators, with examples from my own life of what they can look like. And then, what you can do about it (phew!).
Firstly though, what is people-pleasing?
It is a behavioural addiction, or a pattern of showing up in the world that is deeply ingrained. It comes from a low sense of self-worth and a need for external validation, love and approval. Like any addiction or bad habit, it brings temporary rewards, when others appreciate us, but it ultimately leads to much unhappiness.
12 Signs you are a People-Pleaser
1. You automatically say ‘Yes’ to everything
This could be with family and colleagues, but also with strangers! The ‘Yes’ comes out of your mouth before you have even thought about it.
I used to automatically say ‘Yes’ when a check out assistant in a shop would ask if I wanted an email receipt because it was my automatic response, even though I never wanted email receipts. It got me added to numerous email lists I never wanted to be part of.
I would automatically say ‘Yes’ to whatever my boss wanted me to do at work. I was keen to impress and get ahead and I loved being helpful. That led me to work long hours, not take proper breaks and ignore the pain that was growing in my hands, wrists and arms. I had to develop crippling repetitive strain injury (RSI) before I had no choice but to say ‘No’.
Saying ‘Yes’ will eat up your time and energy and can mean you end up compromising on your own values.
2. You avoid conflict at all costs
This is what I call the tortoise approach to conflict. I could never bear the feelings that came up when I had a disagreement with someone, so I would often agree when I didn’t mean it (and then beat myself about that) or keep quiet. The trouble is that other people aren’t mind readers, so if you don’t voice your disagreement, they will never know it.
If you can’t speak up for yourself, you won’t stand up for what you believe in.
3. You feel responsible for other people’s feelings
I believed that I was largely responsible for making my ex-husband happy. When he was unhappy I would move heaven and earth to find ways to make him smile again.
He was rarely happy. I would try harder and harder and it was never enough.
I thought his feelings were my responsibility.
I often talk with empaths who struggle with feeling others feelings and it often comes from a lack of emotional boundaries. This is something I have learnt about so that I can hold onto my own feelings, whilst still holding space for others to have their own feelings.
Other people’s feelings are their responsibility. Yes, you are responsible for your behaviour and what you say, but how other people feel about that is up to them.
4. Often rushing around after other people’s needs, but neglecting your own needs
You are a caring, kind soul and you probably think that thinking about your own needs is selfish. I totally get it.
I remember once walking five miles to work in brand new sandals. Half way there they began to rub my heels. Badly. I should have gone home. By taxi. But I was so other-focused that my commitment to show up at work on time and get on with my job that I continued my walk to the office. I refused to look at my feet until I got home. It was not pretty and I ended up needing to see a doctor and taking antibiotics.
When you give too much attention to others needs, you can end up neglecting your own physical, emotional, spiritual and mental needs.
5. You pretend everything is fine when it isn’t
I see you, oh master of the fixed smile. Whenever anyone asks you how you are, you reply with ‘Fine’, even though everything is nowhere near fine. You don’t want to be a burden to anyone. You don’t want to admit that you have needs.
As a teenager I was very depressed and self-critical and there were times I felt I couldn’t go on. But I could not admit that to anyone. What right did I have to feel so low when my life looked so comfortable? I would tell everyone that I was fine when I absolutely wasn’t.
It left me feeling empty inside and disconnected from other people and it became a vicious cycle.
When you don’t admit how you feel, you are keeping a distance in that relationship. If you don’t even admit to yourself how you feel, your emotions can build up until either you explode or implode.
6. You adapt to fit in with whoever you are with
Looking back, I think this is why I wanted to be an actress for a time – I felt much more comfortable in a role, or putting on a persona, than of ever showing up as myself.
I would be the smart employee, high heels and my ‘confident woman’ persona at work, dutiful daughter with my family, loyal giving wife with my husband and fun and kooky girl with friends.
You might notice that you behave like other people, you might even dress like them. All to ensure that you are accepted. But you never get to the real ‘you’, assuming you know who that is anymore.
7. You do things out of a sense of obligation
You do things to fit in with your ideals of what a ‘good’ mother, employee, sister, friend, etc should be doing. ‘Should’ is the operative word here – you are driven by ‘shoulds’.
I would spend hours listening to a friend complain about her life because I thought that is what a good friend should do. Even though there was never then time for me to talk about my life.
I never asked myself ‘Is this what I want?’ And I never questioned the validity of all the ‘shoulds’ floating around in my head.
Whilst we all have responsibilities in life, when you are driven by ‘shoulds’ you can end up feeling guilty and resentful a lot of the time.
8. You struggle to make decisions on your own
You endlessly weigh up pros and cons. You seek other people’s advice and when you get different sets of advice, you lean towards the last person you spoke with.
My favourite tactic when there was a difficult decision to make was to avoid making the decision. I now realise that not making a decision is still a decision. Or I would follow my husband’s advice. I trusted him more than I trusted myself. That was such a bad idea.
Whilst it’s a good idea to gather information to make informed decisions, ultimately you need to do what’s best for you and know yourself well enough to do that.
9. You make compromises and promises you later regret
I remember a senior manager insisting that he needed some information from me the following day, which would involve me gathering hundreds of records, verifying their accuracy, filling in gaps, checking contracts and manual manipulation of each line of data. I knew it was impossible and that it would probably take me three days. What did I do? I said I would do it in a day and a half.
I did do it but I utterly wore myself out, triggered a flare up of my RSI and resented that manager. I wished I hadn’t made that promise.
If you make compromises you are not happy about, you may get roped into doing things you don’t want to do, or backtracking to get out of them.
You can keep your integrity by being careful about what commitments you take on board in the first place.
10. You tend to do what other people want because you don’t know what you want
When a friend asks you where you want to go for dinner, your typical response is ‘Oh I don’t mind. You decide.’ You don’t consider what you want to be important and you think you are being nice. I used to do that all the time.
When you do that occasionally, that’s fine. If you never voice your preferences and desires, it can lead other people to thinking that you don’t have any needs or wants. It also makes it very hard for them to get to know you.
11. You feel the need to be needed in relationships
I thought it was a good thing that my husband needed me. It made me feel valued and special and caring. There was a kind of magnetism to it. He needed me and I needed to be needed. But it was a closeness that was a substitute for real connection and real intimacy.
You may notice the same dynamic with friends. They need to borrow money from you. Or they need you to do them a favour – and then lots more favours. You do it because you are a caring person and they need you.
It threatens our identity when others don’t need us. But a strong self-worth allows us to re-shape our identity so it does not rely on being needed.
12. You say what you think will change the other person’s behaviour
I really wanted my husband to have better health and go see a doctor. I told myself it was because I cared about him. I would come up with different tactics. One day I might talk about an article I had read that might shed light on his condition. Another day I might mention how friendly and approachable the new GP was. I was so focused on helping him. I wonder whether it was one way I had of avoiding helping myself.
Sometimes you may want to help too much. You can’t control other people’s behaviour and it isn’t your business to do so. That effort and time would be much better directed to taking responsibility for your own life.
How to stop being a people-pleaser
These are 12 signs that you may be a people-pleaser. And it highlights the impact that this can have on every area of your life, from your relationships, to your work, to your health and your finances.
If some, or all of these signs resonate with you, don’t panic! I know I started the article by talking about whether you are a people-pleaser. I actually don’t like labels. I use it because it is recognisable and it starts the conversation.
However, perhaps a kinder way of looking at this is that you have some people-pleasing patterns of behaviour. They may be very ingrained, but they are not fundamentally who you are.
Patterns of behaviour can be unpicked and we can begin to consciously choose new ways of showing up in the world.
You can start by starting small. What is the smallest ‘No’ that you feel comfortable with? Start with that and build gradually from there.
You can also carve a small amount of time each day to check in with yourself. Bring that wonderful attention that you give to everyone else back to yourself, get quiet, breathe deeply and ask yourself ‘How am I feeling?’ and ‘What do I need?’
If you are really struggling with this, you might find the support of a coach or therapist will help you move forward, build boundaries, confidence and healthier relationships.
Thanks for reading. If you would like to stop people-pleasing for good, check out the recovering people-pleaser’s guide to self-love, boundaries and healthy relationships:
Drop the fake smile